Friday, April 22, 2011

Show Don't Tell--Crusader Challenge

~~Rachael Harrie has guided us through a great Crusade and her last challenge is a fun ride. Here are the directions:
My Show Not Tell Challenge: In 300 words or less, write a passage (it can be an excerpt from your WIP, flash fiction, a poem, or any other writing) that shows (rather than tells) the following:

*you're scared and hungry
*it's dusk
*you think someone is following you
*and just for fun, see if you can involve all five senses AND include these random words: shimmer, saccadic, substance, and salt.

~~My snip if from my SF wip THE DAWN AND THE LION. This wip is set on Patria, one of three planets initially founded from Earth. The POV is Princess Canda Aurora of Shardonia, wife of King August Leo, Imperial Heir of Patria. Times are tough as you will see. Let me know if I showed you what's going on instead of telling. If you notice some of those little sneaky telling bits, do let me know. ; )


Since the shuttle crash, the nausea that had stalked me for two weeks achieved new levels of torment. Crisp, cool water poured from the liana leaves overhead. At least I’d have something to drink when my stomach settled. Of course, the pounding rain would have to slack off before I could attempt getting any water. The puddles at my feet shimmered with each lightning bolt. They stabbed my eyes like the rockets that had burst from the forest floor.

I could still see the sun’s last rays lighting the rising clouds racing down the ridge as the first rocket tore through the shuttle’s wing and Tomas’ hands fought the saccadic tumble. But the second rocket…no pilot could compensate for that. The scraping branches and vines couldn’t cushion the bone-jarring jolt of our landing. Our attackers were near. Their victory shouts made crawling from the wreckage and running my only chance. Tomas stayed behind; his brains scattered over the instrument panel.

For now, I’d evaded capture, but there wouldn’t be any edible fruit among the wet, rotten vegetation on the forest floor. The oozing gash in my thigh from knee to hip made climbing impossible. At least the throbbing gash screamed louder than my rebellious stomach.

Sudden insight seared my mind like lightning. The rebels didn’t want me dead. I was their best hope, their champion, the only royal who heard their pleas. The honor of shooting me down belonged to the court’s Pure Patria adherents. They wanted me—the below-the-salt, upstart Shardon princess—dead before I could sully the royal bloodline. My stomach turned itself out and I wiped my sour mouth. They were too late. I had to survive for the new life I carried. The only question was how.

Special announcement!
I'm only 12 followers from 200 and three posts from 100 posts. When those milestones are achieved, I'll be announcing a blogfest with three prizes. Hope it's soon. ; )


  1. Lots of great action in this snippet. Best of luck with your MS!

  2. Nicole,
    Thanks. I hoped the fear and deterimination came through.


  3. Great job - your WIP sounds really interesting! Hope we get to find out more in future posts =)

  4. Sierra,
    This WIP in on the back burner for the moment, but it does raise its head from time to time. It's my longest running WIP and I'm just now getting good enough to do it justice. ; )

  5. Nothing too was a great excerpt. So much information packed into a short passage! the ending harbours so much potential too! Missing the word 'substance' though, but I won't tell! ;)

  6. I like the details about her climbing from the wreckage and using their victory as a distraction. Nice on the oozing to! That always creates a detailed picture :)

  7. J.C.,
    Darn it! Substance was in the rough, rough draft! Thanks. This little challenge has really changed some the plot.

    Thanks! I'm sure the problems for Canda are just beginning here.

  8. Love this story. Great job. I will add to your followers. I am not in this new challenge but you can see me on the A-Z challenge for the letter S today. Great story. I like the shuttle reference. It adds realism to our knowledge. Tense. Hope it is a part of a work you will be sharing.

  9. Thanks, Jeanne!
    I think this scene is the kick off for a great new twist in the plot. I'll have to see if it plays out as I think it will.

  10. The blog is very good!

  11. Thanks, Nelson! It's exciting when a snip gets others reading.

  12. Great job. I like the look of your blog.

  13. Rebellious stomach, I like that :-)

  14. Isn't it fantastic, how different everyone's dealing with the same specifications?!?! *wow* What an entry! I wished there was more than just 300 words! :-)

    Karin @ Nofretiris Dream Of Writing

  15. Ah, poor Tomas :( LOL, great Challenge entry. And good on you for whipping out that old WIP ;)



  16. Thanks, Josh. I like this new look, too. I have a feeling it will stay this way for a while.

    Rebellious stomach, rebels shooting rockets (or not), the unhappy conponents of Canda's life are making themselves known. ; ) Thanks

    All the crusaders are being so creative! I agree with you 300 words are not enough. I've already added everal notes on my copy for later additions. ; )

    Thanks and thanks for the creative challenge. We are all loving this one. For some reason the old WIP keeps popping up. I used it for the April writers exercise on the Books and Writers Forum at Compuserve. Great place, BTW, if you haven't ever been there. ; )

  17. Awesome! Excellent gory imagery, I love it! :-)

  18. Thanks, Madeleine. I'm finding that the subsequent events are pouring out now. This isn't what I thought would happen in this part of the wip, but I don't care. Story is king!

  19. I enjoyed your post. It's a great teaser for the rest of the story.

  20. Thanks, Synithia! I think this is about a third of the way in, but who knows when I finish where it will be.

  21. I'm following now so you are only 7 away. Good luck. I'm close to breaking 100 myself. Yea!


  22. Congratulations on being close to those milestones, Zan Marie! And thank you for sharing more from The Dawn and the Lion! Love all the words in that last paragraph, especially. And ew, brains on the instrument panel... [g]
    Happy Easter!

  23. Lisa,
    Thanks! It's exciting to see the followers. Of course, the numbers of posts are totally up to me. ; ) I have plans... Good luck on your numbers too.

    Thanks! I'm so glad you like DAWN AND LION. I'm a bit partial to it myself. I'm getting excited about the milestones. I do have plans for the prizes. John even added another because he didn't want the third place to have no choice. ; ) I love that man.

  24. A shuttle, A crash, A vitory celebration by enemy!! My goodness! This is awesome!!

    All the best for your blog, hope you cross the 200 followers limit soon!!

    with warm regards
    CatchyTips for Writers

  25. Thanks, All My Posts! I'm glad you like my snip.

    I'm only five followers from the magic number now.


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