tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post2062419872019310544..comments2024-01-14T21:28:37.623-05:00Comments on In the Shade of the Cherry Tree .... Hope Comes Home: Catch Me If You Can!Zan Mariehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13403563510118660546noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-14357945413295624472011-03-09T09:20:42.394-05:002011-03-09T09:20:42.394-05:00WOW! Surprises and awards and pompoms to greet me ...WOW! Surprises and awards and pompoms to greet me this morning! I'm loving it. I'll be hopping over to see what's what is a bit. ; )Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-7996942255965027982011-03-09T08:59:37.913-05:002011-03-09T08:59:37.913-05:00Hiya! Just wanted to stop by and let you know I ga...Hiya! Just wanted to stop by and let you know I gave you the Stylish Blogger and One Lovely Blog award :) They're waiting for you on my page.Kristina Fugatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18204372165725432422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-45417616968387598662011-03-09T07:32:45.836-05:002011-03-09T07:32:45.836-05:00Hi! You've already got my comments on this one...Hi! You've already got my comments on this one, so I'm just coming by to say, go Laura Grace! yay for Friendly Fire!<br />+waves pompoms*Deniz Bevanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134553551048836979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-5946960728579645632011-03-08T18:30:47.760-05:002011-03-08T18:30:47.760-05:00Hi - have a suprise for you over my placeHi - have a suprise for you over my placealberta rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02132420168908365099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-86892170082871855252011-03-08T17:47:10.554-05:002011-03-08T17:47:10.554-05:00Thanks, Jodi. I read all genres, but I do have fav...Thanks, Jodi. I read all genres, but I do have favs.Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-57319609140343491562011-03-08T17:46:26.060-05:002011-03-08T17:46:26.060-05:00Erin and Tessa,
I'm having so much fun reading...Erin and Tessa,<br />I'm having so much fun reading the feedback. My brain is spinning with ideas. And, Erin, you've made a great point on the revelation of the trouble. It's only the tip of the iceberg, but it shouldn't be as open. And Laura Grace <i>hates</i> gossip. More to think about. And I'm thrilled!Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-50729481766952646822011-03-08T16:58:37.707-05:002011-03-08T16:58:37.707-05:00Contemporary Fiction isn't my thing but this i...Contemporary Fiction isn't my thing but this is good stuff. Really nice to see this topic written about. It's a hard one. <br /><br />I foresee a future between Sam and Laura. <br /><br />JJodi Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216373059861459896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-50795681288789570652011-03-08T15:34:25.056-05:002011-03-08T15:34:25.056-05:00An important, fascinating and heavy topic. I like ...An important, fascinating and heavy topic. I like the tone of your writing, but I do agree with the other commenters up there on two things: first of all, bring up Laura Grace's problem with being there first, second, introduce Samantha with a little more subtlety. Maybe have her watching the kids, only then noticing the girl?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046724975658216337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-63466432458034157292011-03-08T12:15:47.281-05:002011-03-08T12:15:47.281-05:00Your scene is set really well. At first I wasn...Your scene is set really well. At first I wasn't sure what age group of ladies were involved, but obviously if she's a retired teacher it's more grandmotherly. The introduction of the girl is a little awkward. I can imagine the attention being drawn just by her unnatural stillness amongst the chaos. I assume she takes in the foster girl. <br />Now, this reaction is just personal -- the sharing of the girl's situation is inappropriate/breach of confidentiality. A retired teacher might bristle at that. I mean, yes, you want to know, but have to avoid letting gossip happen. (that's my 2 cents)<br />In all, a well written scene that gets my attention.Erin Kane Spockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05376851676240606472noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-38635593753806478042011-03-08T10:47:40.402-05:002011-03-08T10:47:40.402-05:00Laura,
LOL! This is the inciting incident! You are...Laura,<br />LOL! This <i>is</i> the inciting incident! You are in the middle of the story--believe me! There is a lot more backstory than is revealed here. And the adoption is a long time coming. The MC has to realize she can be a mother and that's a tall order. But, FWIW, you've given me a lot to think about and that's exactly why we do these nifty little blogfests, isn't it? It's all good. ; )Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-33361386931472386012011-03-08T10:44:45.498-05:002011-03-08T10:44:45.498-05:00Rosie,
I stumbled on that sentence! Funny how it t...Rosie,<br />I stumbled on that sentence! Funny how it takes someone else saying it to make you realize it. ; ) The reason the MC is so taken is to be revealed. Maybe it needs to be earlier, not later. Hmmm. Thanks. ; )Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-42938784614383420652011-03-08T10:14:59.955-05:002011-03-08T10:14:59.955-05:00Hi--the emotion inherent in your subject is a comp...Hi--the emotion inherent in your subject is a compelling hook. But, without reading more, I suspect your story starts in the wrong place. You said in an earlier comment this scene was necessary to set up their meet. So, really, this scene is backstory; it feels almost prologue-ish--its only purpose seems to be to show the first time they meet and learn the girl's and LG's tragic history. You could easily have Laura Grace recall that later. Agents/editors/craft books always say to drop the reader in the middle of the conflict/action. So what is that moment in your story? What is the moment when everything changes? What is the inciting incident for your main character that sets her off in a new direction/on a new journey? Is it the first time she spends time with the girl, or talks to her? Does the girl come to live with her? Does she adopt her? THAT's your starting point. Since, on average, agents decide within 3 pages whether they're interested in your story, you don't have the opportunity for them to read long enough "to get to the good parts." You have to open with them. Just my two cents! Good luck! And thanks for commenting on my excerpt!Laura Kayehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06405372483109781087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-10892536737634654272011-03-08T09:27:53.169-05:002011-03-08T09:27:53.169-05:00Hey Zan Marie. This is definitely heavy (I'm n...Hey Zan Marie. This is definitely heavy (I'm not the first to mention this, I see). I'm also glad you're writing on this. It's good to make people more aware.<br /><br />The voice is strong and consistent. I think you do a nice job showing and not telling throughout.<br /><br />This line is important: "A petite blond girl eyed the rest of the children from in front of the stage at one end of the room." But it's also kind of bulky. Can you trim it? I stumbled over it (the only one, I promise).<br /><br />Also, I don't know your MC the way you do, but I was surprised she started crying so quickly. Had she been upset before? I thought she was just irritated and frazzled by too many little kids. Did she see her husband get killed? Is there some kind of connection she has to the 12yr old? I feel like a more typical reaction to that kind of news is more like morbid curiosity rather than tears. I'm also confused as to why Jen would ask Laura Grace in the middle of that conversation how long she had taught. It seems out of place. Probably there are connections, but I don't see them. Can you give us more?<br /><br />I really like where this is headed, and I would certainly read more. Well done, Zan Marie! Thanks for sharing :) And feel free to email me if you'd like to discuss it further. My email address is connected to my account.RosieChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07911305246379355484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-14463284406520289222011-03-08T08:30:12.446-05:002011-03-08T08:30:12.446-05:00Amber--I'm grateful that my story has touched ...Amber--I'm grateful that my story has touched you in a real place. That's a goal of for this wip.<br /><br />Susan--well, this retired teacher writes. ; ) I'm still working on balance. thanks for following.<br /><br />Kristina--thanks. ; ) I'm working on the balance. This is close, but it needs some tweaking yet. And thanks for this neat blogfest!<br /><br />Trisha--Good suggestion on the dialog. That's my starting point and strong suite. I always struggle with the details, body language, and setting. Thanks for comments.Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-10612718974881554842011-03-07T22:37:55.626-05:002011-03-07T22:37:55.626-05:00Good suggestion from writesbymoonlight. I also wri...Good suggestion from writesbymoonlight. I also wrinkled my nose at this: 'A cloud of soiled diaper stench drifted over us.' hehe<br /><br />It's definitely powerful subject matter you're addressing here, and I'd want to read on for sure.<br /><br />I don't know if you should have all of what Laura Grace says in dialogue - we're seeing her point of view, so she can narrate it to us without speaking it aloud. Her friends will know the story already so they don't need her to say it again.<br /><br />Just a thought :)Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-41000106851549249262011-03-07T21:39:37.002-05:002011-03-07T21:39:37.002-05:00I love this :) It's a subject more people shou...I love this :) It's a subject more people should be aware of and I'd really enjoy reading on. You've got a nice balance of character development, conflict, backstory, and voice.<br /><br />Great work! Thanks for sharing!Kristina Fugatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18204372165725432422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-92115975468833711702011-03-07T21:23:09.689-05:002011-03-07T21:23:09.689-05:00I am a retired teacher as well! So this is what w...I am a retired teacher as well! So this is what we do when we retire? Excellent!<br />The topic is close to my heart.<br />The dialogue lines are stark, like they need some support to give them imagery. They are needing that, to create the whole picture. I will be following you. :)Susan Kanehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09834094675218254410noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-43117864447571767722011-03-07T20:33:10.765-05:002011-03-07T20:33:10.765-05:00I'd keep reading. I was in foster care as an o...I'd keep reading. I was in foster care as an older kid. And a high school English teacher took me in and changed my life. <br /><br />It is a tough subject to do justice. I like that the save-the-day adoptive mom isn't a fairy god mother looking for a place to swoop in and save the day. She has wounds too, and that adds depth and complexity that appeals to me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-62912304656908548222011-03-07T20:15:52.303-05:002011-03-07T20:15:52.303-05:00Thanks, Marie. I'm struggling with the stage d...Thanks, Marie. I'm struggling with the stage direction. I'm going to enjoy digging into all the comments and seeing what comes out in the wash.Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-82537793576011832432011-03-07T19:56:50.777-05:002011-03-07T19:56:50.777-05:00I smell an adoption! You painted the picture of a ...I smell an adoption! You painted the picture of a circus of children wonderfully. Try for a first line that sinks its teeth into the reader. 'Another wave of poopy diaper snuck up my nose, and I turned to Jen.' Maybe? Nothing sets the stage like poo. :)<br /><br />This is heavy stuff, so I figured Jen was frowning. Consider taking a couple of the 'Jen frowned's away, but otherwise, keep going!<br /><br />Marie, http://marierearden.blogspot.comMarie Reardenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13653459061863869033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-56286865523598453612011-03-07T18:54:56.858-05:002011-03-07T18:54:56.858-05:00Hi, KO,
Yes, the murder should be revealed now. Th...Hi, KO,<br />Yes, the murder should be revealed now. There's far more horror to find out as we go and it's revelation will be unfolded slowly. <br /><br />Thanks for the comments. ; )Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-12131729081925976862011-03-07T18:52:36.202-05:002011-03-07T18:52:36.202-05:00Antimony,
Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. ; )Antimony,<br />Thanks. I'm glad you liked it. ; )Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-52440563262320002782011-03-07T18:46:48.443-05:002011-03-07T18:46:48.443-05:00Hi- it's nice to read this. I think you set up...Hi- it's nice to read this. I think you set up a lot of plots here. I've been warned in my own writing about too much backstory at the beginning. I think you balance it pretty well, but watch that it doesn't become an info dump. So for example, do we need to know right now about the murder of the girl's mom, or could it be something that unfolds gradually? Something just hinted at now. <br />I hope this helps, like all advice, take with a grain of salt.KatOwens: Insect Collectorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12228171304170449979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-56754077370104087302011-03-07T17:53:20.367-05:002011-03-07T17:53:20.367-05:00I really like this - and I pretty much picked up o...I really like this - and I pretty much picked up on a lot about Laura Grace from just reading this excerpt, it's very emotive. I really like it :)<br /><br />Lady A xAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8930358664981152962.post-2449102454032948892011-03-07T16:41:08.553-05:002011-03-07T16:41:08.553-05:00Alexis,
Wow! Thanks for the compliments. ; ) I'...Alexis,<br />Wow! Thanks for the compliments. ; ) I'll have to figure out how to share that Laura Grace gets involved in all the missions of her church. Hmmm. Things to think about. And that's all to the good. ; )Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.com